Micah (7yo) was taking out the yellow bin filled with recycling. “I need someone to come hold the garbage lid up.”
Wife: “Just put the bucket down and open the lid and then pick it back up and dump it in.”
Micah: “What, and you think gravity will just stop!?”
Annie (5yo): “Can I marry Micah (her 7yo brother)?”
Wife: “No, you have to marry someone you’re not related to.”
Annie: “I’m not related to Conor! (her 5yo friend) Conor, do you want to marry me?”
Conor: “Uhh…”
Wife: “Well, you have to be older, so maybe he’ll think about it more when he gets older.”
Annie: “Conor! Conor! Conor! Do you want to marry me? Do you want to marry me?”
Conor: “Uhh, I just like going to school.”
😂 Micah (7yo) called to my wife, “BBS.”
He took five steps, then went back, and said, “I made up a new one: BBS. It means ‘be back soon.’”
He took off again, and then turned around and said, “But this case, non-BBS. Because I’m busy watching football.” Then he left for good.
Micah (7yo): “Do I need braces? My brother said I do because my bottom teeth are getting brown.”
Wife: “You need to brush for that, not braces.”
Me: “I’ve seen people who had black teeth and some fell out from not brushing.”
Annie (5yo): “Ugh! I’m glad you brush your teeth.”
Micah, a little worried: “If teeth are black, can you brush them and turn them white?”
Me: “No. When they are black, they are dead.”
Micah: “When they are brown, can you?”
Me: “Yes, you can get them white. But you need to brush morning and night every day.”
Micah: “I haven’t been brushing at night.”
Me: “Thanks for telling–“
Micah: “It’s because I don’t have time. Cuz I’m so tired after a long chore day!” (With a significant look at my wife.)
(After a couple minutes) Micah: “Did you ever see black teeth on the ground?”
Me: “No, I never saw them fall out.”
Micah: “Does the tooth fairy take black teeth?”
Me and my wife: “NO! Definitely not.”
😂 Cal (2yo), as he picked up his dirty diaper: “Garbj. Garbj. Take it. Can I? Down.”
When I put him down, he ran to the garbage and threw the diaper away and came back. “‘Atch ‘ootball?” That’s hard to refuse, so we turned on the 49ers and watched until the next commercial.
Great dad moment: watched chapter 3 of the Mandalorian with my teenage daughter. “Mandalorians are so much cooler than Jedi! They’re like a happy family cult.” 😂
😂 Me: “I love how much you help and love cooking.”
Micah (age 7): “That’s because I want to be a baker when I grow up!”
Me: “Oh great! What do you want to bake?”
Micah: “I don’t know… Just stuff in a fancy restaurant.”
I let Cal (age 2) sit on my lap and he started trying to feed me from his plate.
Me: “You eat from your plate, and I’ll eat from my plate.”
Cal: “Can I? Can I? Eat you?” As he shoved a forkful of food in my mouth.
After he force-fed me a few more vegetables, I said, “You can sit on my lap, but you have to eat your own food.”
Cal: “Ok.” And he hopped down.
😂 Annie (age 5) was cleaning out the dryer filter for my wife, and grabbed the lint and said, “This dryer lint is like when you guys are kissing–fluffy and disgusting.”
😂 As we were sitting together playing games, Micah (age 7) recoiled.
“Dad, you need to brush your teeth really bad!
“I smelled it by getting some in my mouth!”
😂
My wife: “I liked how polite you were interacting with the haircut lady.”
Micah (7yo), with a look of exaggerated patience: “Well, she was polite and interactive with me!”
Micah (7yo): “If I get my tooth out, I’ll get like a dollar. That’s what I’ve been getting for the last ones.”
Me: “What if you get 10¢?”
Micah: “Then I would be so mad. I would just leave a little bomb under there that would… What time does the tooth fairy come?”
Me: “You never know.”
Micah: “Ugh. Then I would just set it to go off in the morning. And I would make it look like a tooth. I wish she would leave me $100. Then I would have lots of money and be revenged for the 10¢.”
Micah: “Dad, I get way more than 10¢. Add another zero and a dollar sign.”
😂
7yo went into the bathroom with his cookies, after asking for books to be slid under the door. As he went in the bathroom, he let out a curdling scream. When he came out, we asked, “Was there a fly?”
“Hashtag a million fruit flies. And there was a fly.”
😂
“Dad, I had a level 10, super-weird dream. I can’t even explain it. It was too weird. Well, I can explain part of it–with a dog. It was a mix of some movies. From Coco there were a couple of the dogs. And from National Treasure, it was the people. It was so weird.”
—7yo
😂
Me: “Can anyone clean up Clue for us?”
14yo, while looking down at the phone: “I can.”
Me: “Great, thanks!”
14yo: “Wait, what!?”
Wife: “You’re cleaning up the Clue game.”
14yo: “Do I have to?”
Wife: “Yes! It will be a lesson in listening.”
I announced that I was going to take a shower. Micah (age 6) got a glint in his eye and started running for the bathroom. I said, “Micah, I have a favor to ask of you.”
“Oh, come on!”
As I started getting ready, he said, “Dad, why don’t you want me to?” At this point, it is clear that he is understanding I don’t want him to dump cold water on me like every other day that I shower.
I answered, “Well, sometimes it’s kind of hard, you know?”
His solution was simple. “You could know I’m coming, and so you could turn your back. That way it doesn’t get on you-know-what.”
Micah (age 6): “Dad, can you play soccer with me?”
Me: “Not in the house, bud.”
Micah: “Oh, that’s right. Can you play with me in the front yard? It would be good for you to get some fresh air.”
😂
I took my six-year-old with me to the gas station to get drinks for our sick kids, and he walked up and down the candy aisle. “I wish we had gone to a boring store like IKEA, and not one that had stuff that is so tempting to me and cheap. (Whispers) Write that down.”
As I was changing the baby, Micah (age 6) came over and asked, “What does his shirt say?”
Me: “I’m the boss. Until Mom comes home.”
Micah: “Hahaha. I wish they had a men’s size of that.”
Me: “Oh yeah? For whom?”
Micah: “For you! Cuz you’re the boss. Until Mom comes home.”
Six-year-old to my wife: “The house is kind of pretty messy. Why don’t you ask your kids’ advice about how to keep it clean?”
“Mom, I had the same plate of noodles that you had. The exact same as you. But I didn’t have sauce, or meatballs, or peas. And it wasn’t in a plate. It was a bowl. But it was the exact same as you.”
–Four-year-old
At church today, my six-year-old handed me a piece of his toy and asked me to fix it. After trying for just a bit, I handed it back to him. He looked at it and asked, “Daddy, did you do your best?” Then he looked up at me intently and asked again, “Did you do your best?”
Hard to be mad at a four-year-old for being out of bed when she is writing a note all by herself that says “I love Dad.” 🥰
Not quite sure what the images are supposed to be though… 😳
My 9-yr-old walked over holding a slice of lemon, showing us that he was licking it. My wife said, “Great! Those are really healthy for you.”
Son: “Ugh, I don’t want it any more.”
Me: “Actually, they turn you into a mutant.”
Son, pausing to consider: “Well, I’ll try it…”