😂 Cal (2yo), as he picked up his dirty diaper: “Garbj. Garbj. Take it. Can I? Down.”
When I put him down, he ran to the garbage and threw the diaper away and came back. “‘Atch ‘ootball?” That’s hard to refuse, so we turned on the 49ers and watched until the next commercial.
I was intrigued by this article by Fiona Voss: My favorite way to run a retro:
The leader sets up the Trello board with four columns:
- Celebrations
- Gripes
- Topics to discuss
- Actions
Then everybody has 5-10 minutes to write Trello cards in the first three columns, working from their own laptops. You’re allowed to move a card somebody else wrote from Celebrations or Gripes to Topics to Discuss if you want to talk about it.
When all the cards are written, use Trello voting to vote on cards. When voting is finished, the leader sorts the cards by number of votes (descending).
One of my favorite aspects of this is how it facilitates different personalities and allows for everyone to have their voice heard. As a manager, often my biggest concern is that certain people may be marginalized and I am always looking for ways to improve our group communication. Whether the cause is unconscious bias, different thinking styles, or something else altogether, this sounds like a great approach to address the issue.
Fiona said this, talking about using lightning rounds to address an issue:
People who want to be heard, but have trouble jumping in to unstructured group discussions, get a turn to speak without having to fight for it.
Many people, developers in particular, think better when given a few quiet minutes on their own, and then the nudge to write out their thoughts. There are others who think better out loud. In a meeting, the latter group tends to overpower the former, and I love this simple approach to balance things out.
I look forward to trying this approach on my team. It is always an exciting challenge to pursue the delicate balance between too rigid structure and not enough structure to allow people to truly thrive.
As I finished reading this article this morning, I said out loud, “That was beautiful!” And then I thought maybe I could share it so others might have that same experience. The article is from Zen Habits: Working with the Ebbs & Flows of Your Resistance. He points out that feeling resistance to new or good things is normal, but we can learn to work with it.
It can also get stronger. But it can’t maintain its strength for long. You can breathe, stay with it, wait it out. Bring curiosity to it. Give the feeling a little compassion and kindness.
The key is develop more mindfulness. Instead of shying away from hard thoughts or feelings, sink into them for a moment and get to know them better. Over time, as we become more comfortable with them, we can notice them and acknowledge the message they are sending us and them make our own choice about what to do.
I was all excited that Oregon lost but then I realized that we wanted them to be a 1-loss team coming in to the PAC-12 championship for Utah to beat them. Oh well. We’ll enjoy the bump in rank this week. Go Utes! 🏈
Great dad moment: watched chapter 3 of the Mandalorian with my teenage daughter. “Mandalorians are so much cooler than Jedi! They’re like a happy family cult.” 😂
One of my most satisfying accomplishments lately was participating in a department meeting yesterday where we were able to spend half an hour discussing mental health. I wanted to pause and reflect on the journey to make that happen.
As I have written about before, the last year and a half has been significant in my own mental health journey. As I returned back to to work full-time at the beginning of this summer, following intensive treatment for my OCD, I found myself having many conversations around mental health. At the beginning of September, I sent the following email to my manager and our CIO:
As I have been more open with my mental health struggles, I have had a number of interesting conversations with people in IT about OCD and other mental health challenges. I wanted to suggest to you that we do something of an overview of mental health and related issues for all of IT. It would be great for people to know about some of the more common disorders and challenges, and what they mean, and how to support people who are working with those. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about things like bipolar, or OCD, or even ADD/ADHD.
I’m not trying to tell you what needs to be done, or how to do it, but I wanted to share the suggestion and see what you think. Thanks.
Ben
This email prompted a series of meetings, which resulted in my collaborating with our company wellness leader at O.C. Tanner, along with our newly-on-site behavioral therapist. In our September monthly IT meeting, we shared a primer on mental health and gave a teaser for a longer segment we planned the next month. Because I had initiated the conversations, I was invited to come up to the front of the room, but we ran out of time for me to say anything. A couple people commented after the meeting that they appreciated me being up there as the mental health mascot for IT.
As we prepared for the October meeting, we discovered that we had given our therapist the wrong date, and she had a conflict. So our wellness leader and I planned to take a few minutes to share our individual stories around mental health, and again provide a teaser for more to come in November. Ironically, we ran out of time for me to share again, so reprised my role as the IT mental health mascot.
Finally, in our November meeting, everything aligned. We were able to take half of the hour-long meeting with all of IT. I shared a short version of my story with mental health, and the bulk of the time was our behavioral therapist sharing about mental wellness. The content appeared to be extremely well received. You could have heard a pin drop while our therapist was sharing. After the meeting, I received messages from a number of people expressing gratitude for us making this subject more prominent and accessible.
One of the best side effects of this process for me has been the relationships that I have developed by being open. I have become close friends with our wellness leader, as well as our behavior therapist and have enjoyed working closely with them. The kinds of conversations that occur in the context of mental health lead to much deeper connections with people than most topics. So as I talk with people, I become close to them in a remarkably short time.
I have learned that all of us are affected by mental illnesses, whether directly or indirectly. The more we can do to increase awareness and decrease stigma around mental health, the more people will be able to get the help that they need.
💮 Had the chance to share about mental health awareness in an IT department meeting today; the culmination of three months of work. It was wonderful to have the conversation be more open and decrease the stigma around discussing it at work. 🎉
📖 📱 Comanche Moon
By Larry McMurtry
So grateful for a beautiful, uplifting view every time I leave work.
A year ago, I was completely focused on what I could build myself. Now I find myself more interested in what I can help others build. It’s an interesting and satisfying shift.
😂 Me: “I love how much you help and love cooking.”
Micah (age 7): “That’s because I want to be a baker when I grow up!”
Me: “Oh great! What do you want to bake?”
Micah: “I don’t know… Just stuff in a fancy restaurant.”
I have long nursed a secret desire to do stand-up comedy, although I have allowed my fears to hold me back from trying. I finally made the attempt as part of my OCD recovery, and enjoyed the experience.
As I got close to the end of my treatment at the OCD & Anxiety Treatment Center, I was pushing myself to do more activities in which I risked something. I have long wished that I was funny, but I have come to grips with my lack of natural humor. As I wrote earlier this year, I am not destined to become a stand-up comedian. And that’s ok. I decided that I should try stand-up comedy and risk not being the best. Since I was nearly guaranteed to not be the best, it seemed like a productive thing to risk.
At first, I just suggested to one of my co-workers that I could do my routine for him. He asked who else I was inviting, and I realized that inviting more people would definitely increase the risk level, which was the whole point. So I ended up inviting our entire I.T. department to come over lunch, but only about 20 people came. So the next week, I volunteered to do it again for a full department meeting. That meeting was recorded, so I have a record of my attempt. It went better than I feared, and I decided I would share the video.
What a great way to spend Saturday afternoon 🏈
This was a fantastic article on Zen Habits: How to Be Kind to Yourself & Still Get Stuff Done:
[T]he truth is, most of us are judging ourselves, beating ourselves up, looking harshly at our shortcomings and flaws, a lot of the time. It’s why we’re stressed, anxious, frustrated and disappointed so often.
A different path might be kindness to ourselves. When we see a flaw, we might see the beauty in it. Instead of always striving to be better, we can find gratitude for how great we already are. Instead of beating ourselves up, we can be kind to ourselves and see that we have tried our best, that we had good intentions, that we have a good heart.
As someone whose OCD manifested as a pathological compulsion to beat myself up for even the smallest infraction, I know how crippling this can be. I am certainly not perfect at being kind to myself, but even learning the skill has been life-changing.
I love his reminder:
So here’s the rule: kindness to yourself, always. Even when you fail at the rule, be kind to yourself for failing to be kind.
We could all benefit from learning and practicing this skill. I hope that I will continue to work on it, and that I will be gentle with myself along the way.
I let Cal (age 2) sit on my lap and he started trying to feed me from his plate.
Me: “You eat from your plate, and I’ll eat from my plate.”
Cal: “Can I? Can I? Eat you?” As he shoved a forkful of food in my mouth.
After he force-fed me a few more vegetables, I said, “You can sit on my lap, but you have to eat your own food.”
Cal: “Ok.” And he hopped down.
I definitely love my kids, and yet, there are times when I want to grab them by the scruff of the neck and toss them in a room and lock the door.
😂 Annie (age 5) was cleaning out the dryer filter for my wife, and grabbed the lint and said, “This dryer lint is like when you guys are kissing–fluffy and disgusting.”
😂 As we were sitting together playing games, Micah (age 7) recoiled.
“Dad, you need to brush your teeth really bad!
“I smelled it by getting some in my mouth!”
What a game! The 49ers certainly had their chances. Seahawks scored nearly everything off turnovers. I always hate seeing the game lost by a kicker’s mistake. The 3 he made to get them to OT are quickly forgotten after that. Fun to watch though! 🏈
😂
My wife: “I liked how polite you were interacting with the haircut lady.”
Micah (7yo), with a look of exaggerated patience: “Well, she was polite and interactive with me!”
💮 I’m really excited about my newest project: mentalworkhealth.org. It’s all about helping people create a safe space at work to talk about mental health. I don’t know exactly what shape the project will take, but didn’t want to wait any longer to get started.
What an exciting LSU-Alabama game. The 46-41 score doesn’t reflect how dominant LSU was most of the game. Wish it was more of a blowout to help Utah’s chances. Fun to watch! 🏈
Our 14yo did Model United Nations today for the first time and was the star for part of it. She organized a group of other teens to write and pass a resolution in 40 minutes (which is apparently extremely short). 🌟
Life is much less frightening to me now that I know I have options and don’t just have to do what my brain tells me to.
As I have had my own experience with mental health over the last year or so, I have found that looking at my own health in a more holistic way to be extremely helpful.
I have always loved public speaking. For a long time, I have wanted to start speaking at conferences more often, but I could never figure out exactly the right topic. Finally, I know.
Last summer, I had my first personal experience with mental health, and through that process have come to learn much more about myself and people around me. Nearly all of us are affected by mental illnesses of some kind, whether directly or through someone close to us.
A few principles and approaches have helped me tremendously in considering my own health, and I shared my first presentation about them at a local Cocoaheads meet up.
We had some technical issues, so the recording of the video is in two parts, and missed a small chunk of the presentation where I describe health meters and what they are. Hopefully what’s here is still useful, and I hope to improve and deliver this talk many more times.