It’s a good day

We finally got a win! Had fun watching the Jazz dominate last night. 🏀

Earning this award was a great push to get outside and appreciate the earth today. It also served to be a great way to do my most important work: thinking. 🌎

I am so grateful for Easter and the gentle nudge to remember and draw closer to my Savior. ComeUntoChrist.org

This might have been the most productive Saturday in months. Looking forward to relaxing with the Jazz game tonight. 🏀

A central tenet of dialectical behavioral therapy became my reality recently; I was able to embrace two apparently contradictory realities.

The first weekend of April was General Conference in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is essentially ten hours of sermons spread over five different two-hour sessions. That has always been a weekend that I have anticipated and enjoyed. It occurs every April and October, and so this was the first conference since I learned that I have OCD. Last October, I was still in the discovery phase, and did not know what I was dealing with.

A big part of my diagnosis is dealing with black-and-white thinking. I struggle to see a spectrum, and view the world through binary glasses. As I mentioned in my coming out story, my family and religious culture growing up fed in to my black-and-thinking, and reinforced my notion of decisions being moral and absolute. I was always following either Satan or the Savior. This is something I have discussed at length with my therapist, who is of my same faith. When I complained to her about the reinforcement that I felt I received, she told me that most people who heard the same thing did not feel the same distress, and instead found it helpful to guide them as they made moral choices. The problem is not the emphasis on righteous choices, but the fact that OCD twists those teachings to mean something different to my mind.

Even with all of that context and preparation, I was taken off-guard with how challenging it was for me to listen to the conference talks. They are addressed to a diverse worldwide audience. I had not realized that I was having a hard time until my sister messaged me Saturday evening and asked how I was doing. When I paused to consider, I found that I was feeling overwhelmed. My sister asked if I was overwhelmed from conference or from normal family chaos. Again, I had to stop to think and found that it was a bit of both. There were a few talks that were especially challenging for me. I left things there that night and did not think about it much.

The next morning, I asked a couple of my kids which talk was their favorite from the previous day. I had a learning moment when my son shared that his favorite talk was precisely the one that I found the most challenging. It was a great reminder to me that most people are not going to hear the same difficult messages that I do, and will instead find hope and encouragement. Before the sessions started up again, I took a few minutes to write in my journal to process my feelings. I wanted to share an epiphany that I had.

I wanted to take a minute and try to shine some light on and reveal exactly what it was that was so hard for me yesterday. The talk that struck me as painful reinforced some of my black and white thinking around right and wrong. It seemed to say to me that I was not doing enough, or well enough, and need to be better. The thing is — that is true. I do need to do better. But I need to allow two seemingly contradictory thoughts to co-exist in my mind. I am good enough, and valuable just as I am today and I need to be and do better. In many ways, President Nelson’s talk about the importance of repentance could have been hard for me but wasn’t. Somehow, I was able to feel both feelings at the same time. I am lovable and loved right now, and I also need to and can improve and become more like Christ.

That dichotomy is from God. Feeling either of those feelings alone without the balancing effect of the other is not what God wants me to feel. That is Fernando, or even Satan himself, wants for me. The more I get to know Fernando, and how his voice sounds and feels, the more easily I will be able to detect his lopsided arguments. It is not that what he says is always untrue — it is just incomplete. God has more for me.

I felt an overwhelming sensation of peace and comfort as I wrote those words. I knew that God did not want me to feel shame and despair, but rather hope and encouragement. I was surprised when a talk was hard for me again later on Sunday. I thought to myself, “I already processed this, and it shouldn’t be hard anymore.” It was a good reminder that this is an ongoing process, and highly uncertain.

I know now that this realization does not guarantee that I will never struggle again. I will continue to see the world in black and white, and will need to pause and confront the distortions. Even more importantly, I need to cultivate the skill of holding two opposite truths and allowing them to co-exist in my mind. Life is messy, and usually non-binary. That is a struggle for me, but I am coming to accept it.

🧘🏻‍♂️ Pause practice is a great centering tool I learned about today. At any point, take three deep, slow, relaxing breaths and allow your mind to be still. I’m excited to try it already.

From my Daily Calm

Breathtaking blossom view on the way in to work today

Micah (age 6): “Dad, can you play soccer with me?”

Me: “Not in the house, bud.”

Micah: “Oh, that’s right. Can you play with me in the front yard? It would be good for you to get some fresh air.”

😂

A reflection on my daily meditation habit over the last three months.

My journey

Sunday, January 13 was what I hoped would be rock bottom for my mental health; I had three panic attacks and some suicidal ideation. I was tired of the struggle and the burden I felt I was on everyone else, especially my wife. Monday, January 14, I went to work with an overnight bag. I left work in the afternoon and drove to the nearest hospital with a psych ward, called my wife to let her know what I was doing, and then admitted myself for the night. The psychiatrist asked if I would be safe if I went home, and I replied that I would because my wife was there, but I was done putting it all on her, and I did not feel safe being on my own. I stayed one night, and then drove home and slept 12 hours the next night.

On Wednesday, January 16, I had a meeting with the VP of People & Great Work (HR). Unexpectedly, I told her about my condition and situation. She was kind and supportive and I felt encouraged to keep going. That night, I had a hard time falling asleep. I decided to research which meditation app would be the right fit for me. When I was at the hospital, the psychiatrist recommended that I start meditating regularly, which I had never done before. After some research, I landed on Calm, and that night I fell asleep to Stephen Fry reading a story about fields of lavender.

Since that day, I have done some kind of meditation using the Calm app every single day. A week or so ago, I realized that I had not done my daily meditation and was at risk of breaking my 80+ day streak. It is a good thing for my brain to sit with the distress of breaking a rule that it has created for me, and I almost went to bed without doing anything to intentionally break the streak. Instead, I introduced some uncertainty. I listened to a “Sleep Story” to fall asleep that night, not knowing if that would count to continue my streak or not. It did, so my streak is alive and well. This is a streak that I am more comfortable with than most because it is not so much something that I must do every day, as something that I want to do every day. If I miss a day and break the streak, I will be sad, and I will certainly feel some distress (I feel some just writing about the possibility!), but I will not be crushed.

Lessons learned

The biggest skill that I have gained from meditation is gentleness. Because I have 90 days of Tamara Levitt playing in my head, encouraging me to return to the breath without judgment, when something comes up that would inspire judgment and harsh feelings, I have a sound bite to play to encourage me to be gentle with myself.

I have learned to accept the impermanence of experiences, particularly emotions. It is much easier to sit with an emotion when you know at a deep level that it will not last forever. This allows you to fully enjoy positive emotions, and not shy away from painful ones. I still have further to go on this road, but as my emotional self learns to trust that nothing will last forever, I am not as reliant on my intellectual self to make a rational pitch.

My 2019 goals are to 1) be intentional, 2) be present, and 3) be curious. A daily meditation practice has helped with all three of these, but especially with being present. I have found myself trying to focus in the shower on the sensations of the water hitting my body, the feel of the steam, and the smell of shampoo, instead of planning for the day. I still feel like an awkward novice, but I am at least more aware of the opportunities to practice.

As I continue to learn to accept the present moment as it is, I find myself better able to shed expectations and the distress that often accompanies them. Instead, I am able to approach situations with curiosity. Not what should happen right now, but what is happening right now?

Finally, I feel that this practice has helped me to be more able to learn from my experiences. Often, we say that hindsight is 20/20 — we only understand the lessons that life offers us through reflection. As I build the skill of reflecting on the present moment, I gain the ability to notice and learn immediately. Much of my work over the past few months of treating my OCD is getting to know myself, and I am thrilled with the idea of speeding that process up.

Meditation may or may not be the answer in your quest for mindfulness. I have found it to be valuable in my life, and have already seen great benefits from increased mindfulness. I hope that you might as well.

🧘🏻‍♂️ This is so important to remember. Even with good things, and especially with the bad, nothing lasts forever. This is particularly helpful with emotions. Allow yourself to feel fully, and let go when it is time.

From my Daily Calm

An exploration of a template I am creating for reviews of books I read.

In 2019, I have read 15 books. And yet, I have not shared any meaningful thoughts on those books. I recently finished Keep Going, by Austin Kleon, and Patrick Rhone asked my thoughts on it. I answered him, but realized I would have rather pointed him to a thoughtful review of the book. I want to push myself to be less passive, especially with content that I consume.

One help for creativity is to set limits. I wanted to create a template for book reviews, to give myself a few sections to complete. Having a template is a framework that I used previously in my daily journal entries. I haven’t done that for a while, but it seemed a great fit for books.

Template

Introduction/overview

A short, untitled section with my overall thoughts on the book. Essentially a micropost.

Summary

A synopsis of the plot or main points. Ideally spoiler-free.

Praise

My favorite parts of the book, or areas I consider objective strengths.

Criticism

At least one thing I think could be improved.

Quotes

One or more of my favorite quotes pulled from the text.

Recommendation

👍 or 👎, with a brief explanation.

Wrap-up

I have a hard time saying something negative about the creative output of another person. On the other hand, the feedback that I value the most about my own work is clear identification of opportunities for improvement. I am hoping that providing more nuance and context will allow me to think more critically of the books I read and form a more balanced perspective.

I would love to hear suggestions to improve my book review format. The main purpose of the reviews is to push me to think more about the content I consume, but I also hope that my thoughts can be helpful to others. If there are sections you would like to see added or omitted, let me know. You can reach me on Micro.blog as @bennorris, or email me at ben@bennorris.org. Thanks.

I’ve been thinking more and more about setting up a personal newsletter to share blog posts and happenings in my life. I’ve been looking at Buttondown thanks to @macgenie but haven’t fully committed yet.

🎥 Mia and the White Lion

With three of my kids

🧘🏻‍♂️ This. So much this. I hope to remember. I strive for enlightenment.

From my Daily Calm

🎧 Loved the latest episode of Core Intuition. I resonated with @danielpunkass’s tendency to beat himself up (and then to beat myself up for beating myself up), and appreciated @manton’s validation and support to him (and me, since I applied it to myself). Great conversation!

🧘🏻‍♂️ I look forward to writing about this more, but I had a great experience yesterday acknowledging my actual emotions and giving myself permission to feel them.

🧘🏻‍♂️ This is the reminder I needed this week. I have been feeling discouraged by how far I still feel I need to go in my treatment and managing of my OCD. But the only way to get there is one step at a time. It helps to remember and celebrate my wins along the way.

Thoughts on the book On Writing, by Stephen King, and how it has affected my writing workflow.

Links

On Writing

Final post from editing example image: 🌀 Not a comedian

🌀 My 2019 Goals

🏀 Wow. What a great game to watch. Congratulations to Virginia for an amazing tournament and a fantastic win.

Gorgeous view of new life out the window

🧘🏻‍♂️ Substitute mind for body, and this feels exactly like my experience over the past few months. I have to get to know myself better and recognize which parts of myself are not actually myself and learn to deal with those. But gently.

From my Daily Calm

I loved this article from the Art of Manliness: Sunday Firesides: You Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings

But when your decision doesn’t carry moral import, and you make it with all the politeness and respect possible, then you’re not responsible for how the other person deals with your choice. Whether they deal with it resiliently or not, rationally or not, generously or not, is up to them. You cannot control their reaction. And you cannot make your own decisions based on their expected response.

Coming to terms with unnecessary and unhealthy guilt has been a huge part of my mental health recovery process. It is vital to learn how to correctly identify your areas of responsibility and neither shirk nor stretch them.

📖 Keep Going

By Austin Kleon

Feeling so grateful to be watching #GeneralConference with my family. Always a weekend we look forward to.