Ben Norris

I loved this article from the Art of Manliness: Sunday Firesides: Marriage Isn’t a Game of Russian Roulette

But rather than being the kind of unmanageable risk found in Russian roulette, the risk of marriage is more like that of driving a car. While you can’t 100% eliminate the chance of a crash, nobody lets that stop them from getting behind the wheel every day. Because despite the risk, that mechanical vehicle, like the vehicle of marriage, will take you places you couldn’t otherwise go.

We can allow risk to inhibit us, or we can allow it to help us. When we notice that something feels risky, instead of shutting down, we should recognize that this is something that is more important to us. We need to step up and engage fully and make sure that we meet the risk head on.

Acknowledging and welcoming emotions, even painful ones, makes it possible to process and digest them in a healthy way.

I continue to have experiences that illustrate principles I am learning in my OCD treatment. I suppose that is due to the Baader–Meinhof effect. A skill we recently discussed is emotion regulation, which is essentially the ability to identify and process your emotions healthily. In the middle of learning about this, I had a situation that felt straight out of a textbook.

We had a meeting at work in which some news was shared that was difficult for me to handle. I asked a question, and was frustrated that the answers seemed to not align with what I really wanted to know. Later in the day, I was discussing the experience, and realized what was happening: I was angry. It struck me like a thunderclap. As soon as I realized that, a wave of anger and relief washed over me simultaneously. When I allowed myself to be angry, and validated that the experience was hard for me, I was relieved.

I had not realized that I was repressing my emotions until I stopped. I had been “shoulding” all over myself and invalidating my experience. I felt fear at making someone defensive, and so when they responded in a defensive way, I felt frustrated that they misunderstood me. In reality, it made sense that they were defensive, because I was upset at them for the situation. I was just denying that, even to myself.

Since that moment, I have continued to find that allowing myself to honestly acknowledge my emotions has permitted me to fully feel them, and then quickly move forward. I recognize that I will not always be able to do this successfully, but at least I know it is possible. It is a skill that I can improve with attention and practice. And so can you.

🔖 How to Be a Better Dad When You Travel for Business - The Art of Manliness

I loved this article from the Art of Manliness: Your Life Explained Through Dopamine.

The key is to toggle between these two sets of chemicals, as appropriate — allowing yourself to be satisfied, but never wholly so; content, and yet eager for continuous growth. You have to be able to enjoy the excitement of the conquest, and be able to hold onto what you secure.

Understanding the function of brain chemistry has been a huge part of the last few months for me. This precarious balance is crucial to master in order to find true happiness in life. One thing that I especially appreciate is the normalization of the ebb and flow. When we understand that force, we can work with it instead of fighting against it.

I announced that I was going to take a shower. Micah (age 6) got a glint in his eye and started running for the bathroom. I said, “Micah, I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Oh, come on!”

As I started getting ready, he said, “Dad, why don’t you want me to?” At this point, it is clear that he is understanding I don’t want him to dump cold water on me like every other day that I shower.

I answered, “Well, sometimes it’s kind of hard, you know?”

His solution was simple. “You could know I’m coming, and so you could turn your back. That way it doesn’t get on you-know-what.”

The Calm app impressed me this weekend when I broke my streak.

I posted recently about my 90 day meditation streak. Last weekend, I missed my meditation on Saturday, which I realized Sunday. Part of my OCD is an obsession for streaks, so when I found that I blew my 90+ day streak, I felt my stomach drop out of my body.

Part of me wanted to not even meditate on Sunday. “What was the point? I already blew it,” my mind tried to convince me. My wife pointed out that I still had the advantage of everything I learned in those 94 days—I did not lose that by breaking the streak.

Almost out of necessity, I took a few minutes out to meditate. When I finished, I expected the app to say something that would feel shaming because I had failed. I was pleasantly surprised to find positive encouragement instead.

Rather than seeing that I now had a streak of one day, I saw that I had 95 mindful days.

That simple choice by a product manager or designer on the Calm app team made a significant difference for me. It was a needed emotional boost on a difficult day. Whereas I had been nearly despondent at losing my streak, I became encouraged. I was reminded how much I had accomplished and not allowed to wallow in my disappointment.

This is a lesson I hope to remember. Whether for myself or others, I want to emphasize what truly matters.

🎥 Avengers: Endgame

Excitement is mounting in the Norris household 🏰🎡🎢

Wow. Probably the most exciting game of hockey I’ve seen. What a comeback by the San Jose Sharks to win the series in overtime. 🏒

It’s a good day

We finally got a win! Had fun watching the Jazz dominate last night. 🏀

Earning this award was a great push to get outside and appreciate the earth today. It also served to be a great way to do my most important work: thinking. 🌎

I am so grateful for Easter and the gentle nudge to remember and draw closer to my Savior. ComeUntoChrist.org

This might have been the most productive Saturday in months. Looking forward to relaxing with the Jazz game tonight. 🏀

A central tenet of dialectical behavioral therapy became my reality recently; I was able to embrace two apparently contradictory realities.

The first weekend of April was General Conference in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is essentially ten hours of sermons spread over five different two-hour sessions. That has always been a weekend that I have anticipated and enjoyed. It occurs every April and October, and so this was the first conference since I learned that I have OCD. Last October, I was still in the discovery phase, and did not know what I was dealing with.

A big part of my diagnosis is dealing with black-and-white thinking. I struggle to see a spectrum, and view the world through binary glasses. As I mentioned in my coming out story, my family and religious culture growing up fed in to my black-and-thinking, and reinforced my notion of decisions being moral and absolute. I was always following either Satan or the Savior. This is something I have discussed at length with my therapist, who is of my same faith. When I complained to her about the reinforcement that I felt I received, she told me that most people who heard the same thing did not feel the same distress, and instead found it helpful to guide them as they made moral choices. The problem is not the emphasis on righteous choices, but the fact that OCD twists those teachings to mean something different to my mind.

Even with all of that context and preparation, I was taken off-guard with how challenging it was for me to listen to the conference talks. They are addressed to a diverse worldwide audience. I had not realized that I was having a hard time until my sister messaged me Saturday evening and asked how I was doing. When I paused to consider, I found that I was feeling overwhelmed. My sister asked if I was overwhelmed from conference or from normal family chaos. Again, I had to stop to think and found that it was a bit of both. There were a few talks that were especially challenging for me. I left things there that night and did not think about it much.

The next morning, I asked a couple of my kids which talk was their favorite from the previous day. I had a learning moment when my son shared that his favorite talk was precisely the one that I found the most challenging. It was a great reminder to me that most people are not going to hear the same difficult messages that I do, and will instead find hope and encouragement. Before the sessions started up again, I took a few minutes to write in my journal to process my feelings. I wanted to share an epiphany that I had.

I wanted to take a minute and try to shine some light on and reveal exactly what it was that was so hard for me yesterday. The talk that struck me as painful reinforced some of my black and white thinking around right and wrong. It seemed to say to me that I was not doing enough, or well enough, and need to be better. The thing is — that is true. I do need to do better. But I need to allow two seemingly contradictory thoughts to co-exist in my mind. I am good enough, and valuable just as I am today and I need to be and do better. In many ways, President Nelson’s talk about the importance of repentance could have been hard for me but wasn’t. Somehow, I was able to feel both feelings at the same time. I am lovable and loved right now, and I also need to and can improve and become more like Christ.

That dichotomy is from God. Feeling either of those feelings alone without the balancing effect of the other is not what God wants me to feel. That is Fernando, or even Satan himself, wants for me. The more I get to know Fernando, and how his voice sounds and feels, the more easily I will be able to detect his lopsided arguments. It is not that what he says is always untrue — it is just incomplete. God has more for me.

I felt an overwhelming sensation of peace and comfort as I wrote those words. I knew that God did not want me to feel shame and despair, but rather hope and encouragement. I was surprised when a talk was hard for me again later on Sunday. I thought to myself, “I already processed this, and it shouldn’t be hard anymore.” It was a good reminder that this is an ongoing process, and highly uncertain.

I know now that this realization does not guarantee that I will never struggle again. I will continue to see the world in black and white, and will need to pause and confront the distortions. Even more importantly, I need to cultivate the skill of holding two opposite truths and allowing them to co-exist in my mind. Life is messy, and usually non-binary. That is a struggle for me, but I am coming to accept it.

🧘🏻‍♂️ Pause practice is a great centering tool I learned about today. At any point, take three deep, slow, relaxing breaths and allow your mind to be still. I’m excited to try it already.

From my Daily Calm

Breathtaking blossom view on the way in to work today

Micah (age 6): “Dad, can you play soccer with me?”

Me: “Not in the house, bud.”

Micah: “Oh, that’s right. Can you play with me in the front yard? It would be good for you to get some fresh air.”

😂

A reflection on my daily meditation habit over the last three months.

My journey

Sunday, January 13 was what I hoped would be rock bottom for my mental health; I had three panic attacks and some suicidal ideation. I was tired of the struggle and the burden I felt I was on everyone else, especially my wife. Monday, January 14, I went to work with an overnight bag. I left work in the afternoon and drove to the nearest hospital with a psych ward, called my wife to let her know what I was doing, and then admitted myself for the night. The psychiatrist asked if I would be safe if I went home, and I replied that I would because my wife was there, but I was done putting it all on her, and I did not feel safe being on my own. I stayed one night, and then drove home and slept 12 hours the next night.

On Wednesday, January 16, I had a meeting with the VP of People & Great Work (HR). Unexpectedly, I told her about my condition and situation. She was kind and supportive and I felt encouraged to keep going. That night, I had a hard time falling asleep. I decided to research which meditation app would be the right fit for me. When I was at the hospital, the psychiatrist recommended that I start meditating regularly, which I had never done before. After some research, I landed on Calm, and that night I fell asleep to Stephen Fry reading a story about fields of lavender.

Since that day, I have done some kind of meditation using the Calm app every single day. A week or so ago, I realized that I had not done my daily meditation and was at risk of breaking my 80+ day streak. It is a good thing for my brain to sit with the distress of breaking a rule that it has created for me, and I almost went to bed without doing anything to intentionally break the streak. Instead, I introduced some uncertainty. I listened to a “Sleep Story” to fall asleep that night, not knowing if that would count to continue my streak or not. It did, so my streak is alive and well. This is a streak that I am more comfortable with than most because it is not so much something that I must do every day, as something that I want to do every day. If I miss a day and break the streak, I will be sad, and I will certainly feel some distress (I feel some just writing about the possibility!), but I will not be crushed.

Lessons learned

The biggest skill that I have gained from meditation is gentleness. Because I have 90 days of Tamara Levitt playing in my head, encouraging me to return to the breath without judgment, when something comes up that would inspire judgment and harsh feelings, I have a sound bite to play to encourage me to be gentle with myself.

I have learned to accept the impermanence of experiences, particularly emotions. It is much easier to sit with an emotion when you know at a deep level that it will not last forever. This allows you to fully enjoy positive emotions, and not shy away from painful ones. I still have further to go on this road, but as my emotional self learns to trust that nothing will last forever, I am not as reliant on my intellectual self to make a rational pitch.

My 2019 goals are to 1) be intentional, 2) be present, and 3) be curious. A daily meditation practice has helped with all three of these, but especially with being present. I have found myself trying to focus in the shower on the sensations of the water hitting my body, the feel of the steam, and the smell of shampoo, instead of planning for the day. I still feel like an awkward novice, but I am at least more aware of the opportunities to practice.

As I continue to learn to accept the present moment as it is, I find myself better able to shed expectations and the distress that often accompanies them. Instead, I am able to approach situations with curiosity. Not what should happen right now, but what is happening right now?

Finally, I feel that this practice has helped me to be more able to learn from my experiences. Often, we say that hindsight is 20/20 — we only understand the lessons that life offers us through reflection. As I build the skill of reflecting on the present moment, I gain the ability to notice and learn immediately. Much of my work over the past few months of treating my OCD is getting to know myself, and I am thrilled with the idea of speeding that process up.

Meditation may or may not be the answer in your quest for mindfulness. I have found it to be valuable in my life, and have already seen great benefits from increased mindfulness. I hope that you might as well.

🧘🏻‍♂️ This is so important to remember. Even with good things, and especially with the bad, nothing lasts forever. This is particularly helpful with emotions. Allow yourself to feel fully, and let go when it is time.

From my Daily Calm

An exploration of a template I am creating for reviews of books I read.

In 2019, I have read 15 books. And yet, I have not shared any meaningful thoughts on those books. I recently finished Keep Going, by Austin Kleon, and Patrick Rhone asked my thoughts on it. I answered him, but realized I would have rather pointed him to a thoughtful review of the book. I want to push myself to be less passive, especially with content that I consume.

One help for creativity is to set limits. I wanted to create a template for book reviews, to give myself a few sections to complete. Having a template is a framework that I used previously in my daily journal entries. I haven’t done that for a while, but it seemed a great fit for books.

Template

Introduction/overview

A short, untitled section with my overall thoughts on the book. Essentially a micropost.

Summary

A synopsis of the plot or main points. Ideally spoiler-free.

Praise

My favorite parts of the book, or areas I consider objective strengths.

Criticism

At least one thing I think could be improved.

Quotes

One or more of my favorite quotes pulled from the text.

Recommendation

👍 or 👎, with a brief explanation.

Wrap-up

I have a hard time saying something negative about the creative output of another person. On the other hand, the feedback that I value the most about my own work is clear identification of opportunities for improvement. I am hoping that providing more nuance and context will allow me to think more critically of the books I read and form a more balanced perspective.

I would love to hear suggestions to improve my book review format. The main purpose of the reviews is to push me to think more about the content I consume, but I also hope that my thoughts can be helpful to others. If there are sections you would like to see added or omitted, let me know. You can reach me on Micro.blog as @bennorris, or email me at ben@bennorris.org. Thanks.

I’ve been thinking more and more about setting up a personal newsletter to share blog posts and happenings in my life. I’ve been looking at Buttondown thanks to @macgenie but haven’t fully committed yet.

🎥 Mia and the White Lion

With three of my kids

🧘🏻‍♂️ This. So much this. I hope to remember. I strive for enlightenment.

From my Daily Calm

🎧 Loved the latest episode of Core Intuition. I resonated with @danielpunkass’s tendency to beat himself up (and then to beat myself up for beating myself up), and appreciated @manton’s validation and support to him (and me, since I applied it to myself). Great conversation!