The oft-lauded sports cliché to play through injuries can apply to life more generally with a broader view of “injuries.”

I was listening to my new favorite podcast, The Hilarious World of Depression, while driving the other day and had a realization. There is a strong myth of the tortured creative. People believe that those who are creative do better when they are depressed or anxious. This is a seductive myth, because those who do not consider themselves creative can dismiss it by saying they don’t want all the baggage that comes with it. However, there is a big problem with this myth.

It is asinine.

Believing that creative people do their best when depressed or anxious is like believing that athletes perform their best when seriously injured. No one expects a basketball star to excel after he breaks his leg. They expect him to rest, get medical attention, and take the time needed to recuperate before returning to full activity. People who have mental health struggles deserve the same kind of space for recovery, as well as recognition that their condition is just as serious as physical injury.

Beyond the space for recovery, mental health sufferers deserve compassion and an acknowledgment of the monumental effort involved in confronting daily life. It is easy for us to recognize the effort required for someone to play through a sports injury. But mental wounds are harder to see, both the injury and its effects, and this can make them even more painful. In addition, the playing field for someone struggling with mental health is their every day life. That is the arena in which they are expected to perform, even when they should be on injured reserve.

When I started going to therapy, I told my therapist once about how cranky I am when I am woken up, especially in the middle of the night. To me, that meant that I was a mean and selfish and cranky person at my core. Getting woken up was essentially bypassing all of my defenses and showing my inner personality. Her response was so validating and healing. She encouraged me to consider instead how much work is required of me to interact with people throughout every single day. The fact that I can generally be a kind and patient person in spite of my brain’s instincts to snap and be irritable should inspire compassion for myself.

The next time someone is short with you, or seems to overact to something you might say, pause for a second. Before responding with anger, consider whether that person might be playing through injuries. Maybe she is doing the best job she can today. Maybe he really should be on the bench getting looked at by the trainer. And when you are tempted to beat yourself up because you treated people more poorly than you wanted, practice compassion for any mental injuries you might be carrying. This world can be a rough place. It is ok to admit that you are not at 100%, and make some adjustments.

We would all be better served by approaching our experience with curiosity instead of expectations. And when change is needed, practice compassion instead of judgment.

🧘🏻‍♂️ I have been making an effort to practice and express more gratitude lately. Every time I do, I am uplifted. Daily Calm

🧘🏻‍♂️ This was a reality that forced its way into my consciousness this morning as I did some writing to process my feelings. So important to remember. Daily Calm

Our fears and doubts often prevent us from asking for seemingly small changes in our lives that have a disproportionate impact.

I checked in to an Airbnb recently where I would be staying for a couple weeks. One of the first things that I noticed was that the table that was in the room seemed to be a patio table.

The top was something of a stone mosaic. It was beautiful, but had many sharp edges. I wasn’t in danger of being cut, but I certainly wasn’t about to put my iPad on it for any kind of drawing. I often move the iPad around, rotating it to the right angle, and I had visions of huge scratches and gashes on the back.

I called the host and left a message asking if they had a different kind of table I could have. A couple days later, I came home in the afternoon, and found a nice, large plastic table in the room. I moved it into place, and have been enjoying it since. The left chair is for meditation and study, and the right chair is for writing and sketching.

This experience made me think about how often in life I want a small adjustment, but allow fears or doubts to hold me back from making the change. Often I listen to the voices in my mind that say it won’t work, or it’s not possible, or it would be too much of an inconvenience to someone else. The truth is that it is often possible, and rarely hurts to ask. Most people are happy to improve someone else’s life, even at the cost of a small inconvenience.

So to you, reader, and to my future self, I say, have courage. Be willing to make the call and ask for the table. You never know when it might be waiting for you when you get home.

🎧 Finished season 2 of The Hilarious World of Depression

So uplifting and empowering to hear stories of other people confronting and dealing with their mental health struggles.

Giving myself permission to get a few nice things has resulted in a desire to clean house and be more minimalistic. Also, spending time researching Patagonia products had a surprisingly uplifting effect on me.

I have always loved small things. And things that collapse. And things that fold in on themselves. And expensive things. It can be a problem at times.

My expensive tastes combined with my OCD have posed challenges for me. When I get into my mind that I want to own something, it becomes a compulsion that can only be satisfied by purchasing the item. Making use of the item is often not required—I just have to own it. Before the iPad came out, I owned a number of digital clipboards that became abandoned in the closet, sometimes directly after being purchased.

I have always felt guilty for this part of my personality. Growing up, my favorite toys were Playmobil, which were pretty expensive for a city parks & rec soccer referee. My paychecks were often viewed in terms of how many sets of Playmo they represented. I felt like I lacked skill and ability to manage money well. And since I spent most of my adolescence looking toward and planning for becoming a father, my inability to control spending impulses was a deep point of shame.

As I have gotten older, I have curbed some of my need to buy new things. It’s not completely gone, but it has become less of a problem. Part of that is because many of the things that I really want are cost-prohibitive to buy on impulse. Another part is that I simply already own most of what I want.

In one of my recent sessions, my therapist told me that at any given time in life, I will have to choose between spending money, health, and time. Prudence is usually required to make wise allocations of relatively equal capacities of those resources. However, there are times in life when we have “excess capacity” in one of those areas. Typically that occurs when there is a serious deficit in one or two of the others. Right now, due to my health being abysmally low, I definitely have more money than health. So I’ve given myself permission to buy some things that I want.

My shopping spree began when I read Ultralight by Leo Babauta a couple weeks ago. I announced to my wife, “Good news! I’m going to be a minimalist. I just need to spend $1000 or so and then I’m ready to get started!” When I told my therapist I wanted to become a minimalist, she replied, “That’s nice. Not now. Your brain is not healthy enough to make those kinds of decisions yet.” She told me that I probably was making a bargain with myself in order to have permission to buy things that I wanted, and I should just buy the things without any strings attached.

So I did.

Over the past couple days, I went to two R.E.I. stores and two Patagonia outlets. I bought a Micro Puff Hoody, some Nine Trails shirts, a Capilene Daily shirt, a swimsuit, a hip pack, and a couple pairs of socks. I also went to a local sporting goods store and bought a pair of prAna Brion pants, and some smashable but versatile Sanuk Pick Pocket shoes. An unexpected bonus was that nearly everything was on sale for the end of the season. However, to be completely honest, I would have bought nearly all of those things at full price anyway.

Before I go any further, I have to pause and acknowledge how blessed and privileged I am. When I think about how few people in the world could decide on a whim to spend a few hundred dollars and essentially replace their entire wardrobe, I am humbled. I feel keenly the sense of responsibility that comes with that privilege. Frankly, my OCD uses that to beat me over the head and tell me how horrible I am for doing something like this. But I know that’s a lie. This is not something that I should do every weekend. But. It. Is. OK. I am not a terrible person for buying a few things that I want and that I know I will use.

I found that as I spent time in these stores, I had a subtle shift in values. It felt so good to say that I don’t need a bag while checking out. I realized that I would throw the bag away, so it was better to just not get one. It felt even better to get a smile and encouraging nod from the salesperson who appreciated the small gesture. The more I read about each item from Patagonia, and all of the care that went into designing, sourcing, and creating it, the more I wanted to make sure that I was doing good with more of my choices. I love reading about the Fair Trade program:

We pay a premium for every Patagonia item that carries the Fair Trade Certified™ label. That extra money goes directly to the workers at the factory, and they decide how to spend it.

As I left the Patagonia outlet in Salt Lake City yesterday, I realized it was time for lunch, and looked around for a local restaurant, and found Twin Suns Cafe right across the street. I had a great meal there in a fun atmosphere. My favorite part was the message on their menu:

Welcome to Twin Suns, we are thrilled that you have joined us for a wonderful meal. It is our mission to serve people a good wholesome meal at a fair price for the quality we serve.

It is our goal to create a place where anybody can come in for nourishment in a casual atmosphere. Hopefully you share our love for food, fantasy, and have a fabulous moment while you join us here.

It was fascinating to me to discover the impact that this shopping trip had on me. I wanted to own fewer, higher-quality items. I was excited to pack my backpack for my upcoming trip with my brother. I wanted to do more and have less. I wanted to be better.

I don’t expect this kind of effect every time I buy things for myself. But I’m certainly glad it came this time.

🧘🏻‍♂️ What a beautiful concept. It can be so easy to find around us and yet so elusive simultaneously. From my Daily Calm

🎥 The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part

👍 Lots of laughs. My favorite part was the twist on the main song to more realistic expectations.

Everything’s not awesome. But we can make it more awesome if we remember that we’re not alone in this world. We’re in it together.

In my recurring review of how I am using my phone, I have decided to make some drastic changes.

I started reading Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport the other day, and last night, I came across a reference to an organization that was new to me. Time Well Spent is a movement created by the Center for Humane Technology to help people be more intentional about their use of technology. As I looked through their site, one suggestion they made was to turn your phone grayscale, and make it easy to do so using the Accessibility Shortcut to Filter Colors. A friend had done this before and advised me to do the same, so I had set up the shortcut, but rarely used it. I decided that I wanted this to be my default interaction with my phone. I will leave it on, and switch it off only intentionally, and for a short time.

As I thought more about the way I use my phone, I came to a few more decisions. I have found that as I write and publish more, I have begun caring more about whether people are commenting on my content. My use of Micro.blog has turned into compulsive checking and consumption. Part of the reason is that I value the interactions with real people that I have had, and I want to reply to people quickly. But, I have configured push notifications so that I will know when someone mentions me. There is no real reason for me to keep checking for mentions—it has just become habit.

So I decided to change the apps in my dock again. The last time I did that was at the beginning of the year, when I chose to only have apps without badges in my dock. I have found myself opening my phone and mindlessly consuming content, which is a behavior that I want to discourage. My first goal for this year is to be intentional. So I changed my dock again.

I wanted to only have apps in my dock that encourage the behavior I want to be doing most on my phone. I won’t always be meditating, podcasting, writing, or journaling when I open my phone, but having these apps in my face will be a subtle reminder. I want to use my phone more for creation than I do for consumption. When I am not creating, I want to make sure that I am being more intentional. I want to start using Spotlight to specifically search for the app I am going to use, and not just browse around on my phone looking for distraction.

I will see if this approach ends up being helpful or not for me. I know that what I have had in 2019 was better than 2018, but there was still room for improvement. Since that will always be the case, I expect to continue to make adjustments. This quote was from my daily meditation a few days ago, and while I might substitute “phone” for “thoughts,” this is exactly the attitude I want to cultivate.

🧘🏻‍♂️ Some days I’m searching. Some days I feel the summer. Some days it’s just winter. And that’s ok. From my Daily Calm

My experience playing racquetball by myself, and the surprising effect that I found from talking to myself while playing.

Links

Right vs left

Rematch

My wife told me of a sexist incident at the Silicon Slopes conference. David Bateman caused me shame as a man and a Utahn. Even the “coverage” felt demeaning and dismissive. My only consolation was that men immediately spoke up condemning it. We can be so much better!

🧘🏻‍♂️ This rings so true right now. From my Daily Calm

📖 🛏 Read: Man’s Search for Meaning

By Viktor E. Frankl

🎥 Bumblebee

👍 Just the right amount of silly and sweet. Loved the message that real friendship is what can make you feel like yourself after getting in a depression.

We often embark on a journey in life expecting to do or find something specific, and come back having discovered the unexpected.

I went alone to see Ralph Breaks the Internet recently. I enjoy the digs on Disney princesses just needing a random man to save them, the portrayal of Twitter as a tree where birds chirp the same cat picture at each other, and highlighting the toxicity of Internet comments. I especially love Ralph’s journey of self-discovery that allows him to become a better friend. One of my favorite lines comes near the end as Ralph comes to grips with Vanellope’s decision to stay in Slaughter Race.

I get it. You’ve found your dream game. That’s awesome.

(Quote may be a rough approximation as it is based solely on my memory of the line.)

That jumped out at me because it was definitely not what they were seeking. Sure, there was some heavy foreshadowing, but ostensibly they were looking for the means to restore her ability to perform her original game.

The parallels with my own current situation struck me.

A couple weeks ago, at the suggestion of my boss as well as my HR leader, I decided to take an extended leave from work. In working with my therapist, I decided to go further and get an Airbnb for a few weeks. The goal is to turn this time into a healing retreat, calm the panic attacks, and hopefully help my nervous system start to stabilize. In many ways, it feels like the goal is to help restore my ability to perform my original job—programmer and manager.

As I have been taking a break from life responsibilities, I have found that writing and podcasting, have been incredibly therapeutic for me. It is helpful when I am feeling agitated to channel that energy into something productive. Through doing this, I have discovered that I really love writing. I have only recorded a few podcast episodes, but I have enjoyed that tremendously as well.

I am not necessarily feeling like I have found my dream job and that I want to change careers. But I have felt that I came intending one thing, and have discovered something else. I have long wanted to be a blogger, but have felt that I was not a good enough writer to do it seriously. As I have been writing more, almost out of necessity, I have found that I do not need to wait until I am a good writer. I can just get started. I know that that I will get better over time. And along the way, I hope that I can inspire others who have felt like they have a desire to do something more than what they are currently doing, but have held themselves back.

So my advice, both to my future self, and to anyone who might be reading, is to just move forward. Be willing to accidentally discover your dream game. Do not be so rigid in your plans that there is no room for serendipity. And, for goodness sakes, stop listening to the voices inside your head that claim you are not good enough. Just start.

📖 Started: Digital Minimalism

By Cal Newport

🎥 Stan and Ollie

On healing retreat

🎥 Ralph Breaks the Internet

On healing retreat

📖 Against the Odds: The Life of George Albert Smith

By Mary Jane Woodger

As I posted this morning, I played a racquetball match against myself on Saturday. This morning, I had a rematch.

Again, I thought I would just share the text chain:

Me: Early lead for right hand. First game 11-7. It was closer than the score made it sound though.

Wife: I believe in you, left hand

Me: Holy smokes. Revenge of the left hand. 11-1. And it was up 9-0!

Wife: [Gif of Dwight yelling “Yes, yes, yes!"]

Me: And he pulls it out! Left hand in the third 11-9 to win the match. Boom!

Me: And now I’m sweating like crazy. Tough loss.

Me: 😅

Wife: Way to METABOLIZE

Me: That’s right babe!!

So, yeah, it was pretty epic.

I share my experience coming up with the intro music for my podcast, and the different iterations I went though.

The tale of an epic battle between the incumbent champion and the untested underdog. Good versus evil. Right versus wrong left.

Actually, the story is not nearly as exciting as I made it out to be. I went to the rec center again on Saturday and played racquetball by myself. Years ago, I played in college enough to get pretty good. But, like I said, that was years ago. I played a bit on Monday, and my right arm was so sore (I am right-handed) that I thought I would try using my left arm a bit on Wednesday. I discovered I was almost just as good with my left as I was with my right. Neither was very impressive.

While there on Saturday, I asked a couple college-aged kids waiting outside the next court if one wanted to join me while they waited for their friends. They replied that they were about to start doubles, but they did have a question about the rules for me. As one asked the question, the other started arguing with him, and after standing there for a couple minutes while they argued, I turned and went back into my court alone.

After warming up a bit, I did some drills and then decided to play something of a game to make me run around more. I thought I would just include my text chain with my wife to give you the raw emotion of the situation.

Me: My right hand just beat my left hand in racquetball 11-7. It was a pretty good game though.

Wife: Hahaha! How does it feel to be the best?

Me: Pretty sweet. Also, it was an epic comeback. Left hand was up 7-0, before right hand came back to win.

Wife: [Gif of Gru shouting, “That’s right!]

10 minutes later

Me: Wow, another close one. Right hand 12-10.

Wife: Is the left-hand going to just lay down and take it?

Me: Good question. It came back and was up 10-8, but choked on the serve and right hand came back to win.

Me: The match is over now. The court was reserved at noon, so with two games to zero, right hand wins.

So, yeah. Pretty intense.

There was a funny thing that happened while I was playing. I was in the end court, so there was no one around me, and I felt quite safe in my solitude. I began calling things out, like I might if I was really playing with someone. It started with simple things, such as, “Side out” or “Long!” on the serve. But after a bit, I got more into it. A few times, following a particularly nice serve, I exclaimed, “Whoa! Buried it!”

I found that I was complimenting the play of the other player. I knew that was the case, because one time I did not speak to the other player. Instead, it was a bit of trash talk: “Ha! Take that!” For the most part though, I was able to separate myself enough that I could give myself encouragement and compliments. That is not my typical self-talk.

When I was younger, one of my favorite Pixar shorts was “Geri’s game.” I could not wait until I became an old man and could go to the park and play chess against myself. I am not quite sure if my experience means that I am an old man, or that I did not have to become an old man in order to play against myself. Either way, it felt good to get some sincere compliments for my playing.

This game made me realize how much self-talk matters. Positive self-talk is a skill, and a crucial one to maintain good mental health. I want to work toward the day when I don’t have to compliment the other player to say nice things to myself.

Update: I had a rematch

Great inspiration on making small changes to set yourself apart: Sunday Firesides: The Slipstream of Comfort - The Art of Manliness

We often despair of finding success, and being noticed in a saturated field, feeling that we have to compete with everyone, and be many orders of magnitude greater. In reality, you just have to be a few degrees different to leave the masses behind.

This jumped out as being directly applicable to me as an iOS developer. It can feel like the App Store is overcrowded; that there is no room to distinguish my apps. But it really doesn’t require insane amounts of investment—just a steady commitment to make great work. Of course, that’s not a business plan, but it is a means of differentiation.

It’s also applicable more generally right now. This week I’ve been blogging more and have started a podcast. These are both skills that I want to develop more. It is easy to allow self-doubt to creep in and discourage me from pushing forward. “I’ll never be exceptional. I’ll never make a difference.”

The truth is—I don’t have to be exceptional, and I don’t have to make it big. I can make a difference to one person, even myself as I clarify my own thinking. In a world over-saturated with content vying for attention, a little authenticity goes a long way.

Had a great experience at church today. Just what I needed. Friendly people, peaceful spirit. God is great!